That Night
There I was walking towards the crème colored double doors. I passed two unfamiliar faces; I did not smile at them or frown, my face remained emotionless. I opened the door and slowly walked in, looking around for a friend. I saw Diana standing with a couple of other acquaintances, some of whom I knew, Carmella and Crystal, and others that I only know by their faces. They hugged me hard. I could not hold back the tears as I watched their tears run down their faces. “Are you going to go up there? Cause I can’t do it.” Diana asked. I looked around, blurry eyed, there was five picture collages on large poster boards. Group pictures with smiling and happy people filled the posters from corner to corner. I looked back at Diana, “I don’t know if I can either.” She extended her hand towards me and handed me a picture, it was of her and Rye. He had his arm around her and they were smiling at the camera. He looked young and innocent, before the hardships of the world had tainted him. “Can you please put this in for me, pleasseee, I want him to remember us, I can’t, I just can’t go up there,” she could not control her tears as she asked me for a favor I was not prepared to do. I looked at Crystal she was taking things especially hard. Her and Rye dated for a several years and had a close bond. The next couple of times that I saw Crystal out I could tell that she was high on something. This was her way of surviving. I took the picture from Diana and walked robotically to the front. I knew this was my chance to talk to him and tell him I was sorry. Sorry, for not realizing something was wrong, sorry for brushing him off and sorry for wanting to yell at him for leaving people that care about him behind. I stood in line, awaiting my turn. I reached his parents and siblings; I gave them all hugs and said I was sorry for their loss. There is never anything “right” to say at these disheartening moments in time. I walked up to the casket and knelt down. My hand gradually moved across my body to make the sign of the cross: up, down, left, right. Hastily I placed the picture next to his lifeless leg. I could see that there were other pictures placed inside. I closed my eyes for a second and could not think or speak. I got up and walked away unsettled.
Diana and I went to our bar on Friday night. I just got out of work and needed to have a drink, the stress of serving people all night can lead me to drink. We sat in our usual spot, right next to the brass taps, about ten steps from the door. I got a Bacardi and coke, with a lime, of course, and Diana got a draft beer. We always have a good time when we go to this bar. This particular night we ran into a couple of people we knew and had not seen in awhile. There is nothing better than catching up with old friends. Rye was there. I had not seen him in months. His parents always come into my job and I wait on them, they are such great people, sometimes it is hard when I have to face them. Rye was wearing a black and white bandana, a white tank and jeans. As soon as he saw Diana and I he came right over to say hello and gave us each a kiss on the cheek and told us how great it was to see us. We did the same.
Diana is a social butterfly and had to make her rounds talking to everyone she knew. As I sipped on my drink, Rye kept me company.
“So what have you been up too?” The typical way people who have not seen each other in a while start a conversation.
“Well I’m still working at Friday’s and going to school.”
That was my automatic response every time I was asked that question. I asked him the same question and he told me he was doing some landscaping work for now but was going to go to school really soon. I thought that was great because ever since I have known Rye he did not have much direction in his life. I could tell he felt ashamed that his life was not in order because when he mentioned he did not have a car, he looked away as if he said something wrong.
“Thanks for that response on MySpace.”
I did not think that he was going to bring that up. I was hoping he was not going to bring that up, but he did. In his message, he confessed that he had a huge crush on me and he wanted to take me out.
I did not know what to say, “Umm… well, I was trying to be polite, I’m sorry, you know Dave and I just broke up and I don’t think I’m ready or looking to date anyone right now.”
I liked Rye, but just as a friend. I did not want to hurt his feeling or make anything awkward that night.
“Daph, if I take you out, I promise you will have a good time. Do you think I’m not good enough for you or something, that the impression that I get?”
“I know we would have a good time, that’s not it, I just went through a breakup and I just want to be single and not have to deal with men for a while.”
Then I went on my usual tangent about how men are horrible human beings, all they do is cheat and all they want is sex.
Then he said the sweetest thing to me, “You just haven’t met the right guy yet who will treat you that way that you deserve.”
I just looked at him and smiled. Diana came back; she and Rye were talking about her birthday plans next month. She told him he had to celebrate it with her or she would be mad at him. He said how happy he was to see us that night and that he would definitely go out for her birthday.
Rye went back to his friends and Diana and I just sat down at the bar and had our usual girl talk. I did not tell her about my conversation with Rye. I did not want to talk about it while he was still around just in case he overheard. I decided I would tell her later that night but I never got the chance and then I never wanted to.
I took a puff of my cigarette and let it out. It felt so good. It was a busy night at work and this 5-minute cigarette break was all I needed.
Rye walked up and lit a cigarette, “You don’t mind if I join you?”
“Of course not, I enjoy the company, so what’s up? How’s work been going for you tonight?” I tend to ask a couple of questions in a row without waiting for an answer.
“Good. Why is it that girls always smoke cigarettes standing in the same position? My sister does the same thing.”
I was standing with the cigarette in my right hand while my left hand cradled my right elbow. “I don’t know I guess it’s just the cool thing to do, maybe you should stand like that too!”
We both chuckled. We were always joking around. Laughing. He liked to laugh at almost anything that I said. I would say, “You don’t have to be nice I know I’m not as funny as you make me out to be.”
My phone rang earlier than usual on a Saturday morning. I didn’t think anything of it until I picked it up to her undistinguishable sounds.
“Diana I can’t make out what your saying. What’s going on, what happened?” “It’s Rye. He’s dead”
“What? What are you talking about? We were with him last night, what happened?”
“He’s gone, he committed suicide last night, after he got home from the bar.”
“Are you sure because he looked fine last night. He even said he was coming out for your birthday and he was going back to school. Are you sure?”
“I know. He seemed so exciting to see us. It’s true though. It was confirmed by an officer that was at his house today.”
We were both crying and wondering how this could have happened. We just saw him! It felt unreal. We went over last nights events in microscopic detail looking for clues to suggest that this was going to happen. There was nothing. In the back of my mind, I kept thinking about the conversation that Rye and I had. To think, while I was lying in my warm bed that night dreaming and thinking about my life, he was putting an end to his.
The barbeque was seven months after that night, the night Rye passed away. Since then I kept replaying mine and Rye’s conversation; I couldn’t get it out of my head. I still had not told a sole about it because I felt guilty. As the sun started to set, more people began to arrive. Groups formed and conversations filled the air. Crystal came up to me and said, “I haven’t seen you or Diana since Rye’s funeral.” She did not remember seeing me numerous times since then and I decided it was better not to mention it. “I had a really hard time dealing with Rye’s death. He called me a couple of times that night. I didn’t pick up. He left messages and I deleted them without listening to them. If I knew what was going to happen I would have picked up. I have no idea what those messages said. Then after all that I don’t know if you’ve heard or not but I got involved with drugs and went to a institution for a while to clear my mind. I was in real bad shape but I am doing a lot better now.” I just listened I didn’t know what to say. She continued, “Yea, I don’t mind talking about it now. It actually helps me to talk to people and I’m ok with everything. I had a dream a couple of weeks ago about Rye. He came to me and told me that I can’t keep beating myself up about what happened. He said I have to let it go and live my life. It was the weirdest thing because when I woke up I could still feel him. I believe it was really him, he came to me, and I’m trying listen to him. I feel a lot better these days.” While she was telling me about her dream, I felt a shiver run through me. I believed it too. He would have wanted us to be happy, the way he never could.
There I was walking towards the crème colored double doors. I passed two unfamiliar faces; I did not smile at them or frown, my face remained emotionless. I opened the door and slowly walked in, looking around for a friend. I saw Diana standing with a couple of other acquaintances, some of whom I knew, Carmella and Crystal, and others that I only know by their faces. They hugged me hard. I could not hold back the tears as I watched their tears run down their faces. “Are you going to go up there? Cause I can’t do it.” Diana asked. I looked around, blurry eyed, there was five picture collages on large poster boards. Group pictures with smiling and happy people filled the posters from corner to corner. I looked back at Diana, “I don’t know if I can either.” She extended her hand towards me and handed me a picture, it was of her and Rye. He had his arm around her and they were smiling at the camera. He looked young and innocent, before the hardships of the world had tainted him. “Can you please put this in for me, pleasseee, I want him to remember us, I can’t, I just can’t go up there,” she could not control her tears as she asked me for a favor I was not prepared to do. I looked at Crystal she was taking things especially hard. Her and Rye dated for a several years and had a close bond. The next couple of times that I saw Crystal out I could tell that she was high on something. This was her way of surviving. I took the picture from Diana and walked robotically to the front. I knew this was my chance to talk to him and tell him I was sorry. Sorry, for not realizing something was wrong, sorry for brushing him off and sorry for wanting to yell at him for leaving people that care about him behind. I stood in line, awaiting my turn. I reached his parents and siblings; I gave them all hugs and said I was sorry for their loss. There is never anything “right” to say at these disheartening moments in time. I walked up to the casket and knelt down. My hand gradually moved across my body to make the sign of the cross: up, down, left, right. Hastily I placed the picture next to his lifeless leg. I could see that there were other pictures placed inside. I closed my eyes for a second and could not think or speak. I got up and walked away unsettled.
Diana and I went to our bar on Friday night. I just got out of work and needed to have a drink, the stress of serving people all night can lead me to drink. We sat in our usual spot, right next to the brass taps, about ten steps from the door. I got a Bacardi and coke, with a lime, of course, and Diana got a draft beer. We always have a good time when we go to this bar. This particular night we ran into a couple of people we knew and had not seen in awhile. There is nothing better than catching up with old friends. Rye was there. I had not seen him in months. His parents always come into my job and I wait on them, they are such great people, sometimes it is hard when I have to face them. Rye was wearing a black and white bandana, a white tank and jeans. As soon as he saw Diana and I he came right over to say hello and gave us each a kiss on the cheek and told us how great it was to see us. We did the same.
Diana is a social butterfly and had to make her rounds talking to everyone she knew. As I sipped on my drink, Rye kept me company.
“So what have you been up too?” The typical way people who have not seen each other in a while start a conversation.
“Well I’m still working at Friday’s and going to school.”
That was my automatic response every time I was asked that question. I asked him the same question and he told me he was doing some landscaping work for now but was going to go to school really soon. I thought that was great because ever since I have known Rye he did not have much direction in his life. I could tell he felt ashamed that his life was not in order because when he mentioned he did not have a car, he looked away as if he said something wrong.
“Thanks for that response on MySpace.”
I did not think that he was going to bring that up. I was hoping he was not going to bring that up, but he did. In his message, he confessed that he had a huge crush on me and he wanted to take me out.
I did not know what to say, “Umm… well, I was trying to be polite, I’m sorry, you know Dave and I just broke up and I don’t think I’m ready or looking to date anyone right now.”
I liked Rye, but just as a friend. I did not want to hurt his feeling or make anything awkward that night.
“Daph, if I take you out, I promise you will have a good time. Do you think I’m not good enough for you or something, that the impression that I get?”
“I know we would have a good time, that’s not it, I just went through a breakup and I just want to be single and not have to deal with men for a while.”
Then I went on my usual tangent about how men are horrible human beings, all they do is cheat and all they want is sex.
Then he said the sweetest thing to me, “You just haven’t met the right guy yet who will treat you that way that you deserve.”
I just looked at him and smiled. Diana came back; she and Rye were talking about her birthday plans next month. She told him he had to celebrate it with her or she would be mad at him. He said how happy he was to see us that night and that he would definitely go out for her birthday.
Rye went back to his friends and Diana and I just sat down at the bar and had our usual girl talk. I did not tell her about my conversation with Rye. I did not want to talk about it while he was still around just in case he overheard. I decided I would tell her later that night but I never got the chance and then I never wanted to.
I took a puff of my cigarette and let it out. It felt so good. It was a busy night at work and this 5-minute cigarette break was all I needed.
Rye walked up and lit a cigarette, “You don’t mind if I join you?”
“Of course not, I enjoy the company, so what’s up? How’s work been going for you tonight?” I tend to ask a couple of questions in a row without waiting for an answer.
“Good. Why is it that girls always smoke cigarettes standing in the same position? My sister does the same thing.”
I was standing with the cigarette in my right hand while my left hand cradled my right elbow. “I don’t know I guess it’s just the cool thing to do, maybe you should stand like that too!”
We both chuckled. We were always joking around. Laughing. He liked to laugh at almost anything that I said. I would say, “You don’t have to be nice I know I’m not as funny as you make me out to be.”
My phone rang earlier than usual on a Saturday morning. I didn’t think anything of it until I picked it up to her undistinguishable sounds.
“Diana I can’t make out what your saying. What’s going on, what happened?” “It’s Rye. He’s dead”
“What? What are you talking about? We were with him last night, what happened?”
“He’s gone, he committed suicide last night, after he got home from the bar.”
“Are you sure because he looked fine last night. He even said he was coming out for your birthday and he was going back to school. Are you sure?”
“I know. He seemed so exciting to see us. It’s true though. It was confirmed by an officer that was at his house today.”
We were both crying and wondering how this could have happened. We just saw him! It felt unreal. We went over last nights events in microscopic detail looking for clues to suggest that this was going to happen. There was nothing. In the back of my mind, I kept thinking about the conversation that Rye and I had. To think, while I was lying in my warm bed that night dreaming and thinking about my life, he was putting an end to his.
The barbeque was seven months after that night, the night Rye passed away. Since then I kept replaying mine and Rye’s conversation; I couldn’t get it out of my head. I still had not told a sole about it because I felt guilty. As the sun started to set, more people began to arrive. Groups formed and conversations filled the air. Crystal came up to me and said, “I haven’t seen you or Diana since Rye’s funeral.” She did not remember seeing me numerous times since then and I decided it was better not to mention it. “I had a really hard time dealing with Rye’s death. He called me a couple of times that night. I didn’t pick up. He left messages and I deleted them without listening to them. If I knew what was going to happen I would have picked up. I have no idea what those messages said. Then after all that I don’t know if you’ve heard or not but I got involved with drugs and went to a institution for a while to clear my mind. I was in real bad shape but I am doing a lot better now.” I just listened I didn’t know what to say. She continued, “Yea, I don’t mind talking about it now. It actually helps me to talk to people and I’m ok with everything. I had a dream a couple of weeks ago about Rye. He came to me and told me that I can’t keep beating myself up about what happened. He said I have to let it go and live my life. It was the weirdest thing because when I woke up I could still feel him. I believe it was really him, he came to me, and I’m trying listen to him. I feel a lot better these days.” While she was telling me about her dream, I felt a shiver run through me. I believed it too. He would have wanted us to be happy, the way he never could.
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