Blog #3

My first memories as a child
going to school in Florida, crying
breaking my arm in kindergarten
getting in to the car accident with my mother and Aida in the car, on the way to the cleaners, in Florida


Things that scared me
Third grade in class
Talking about dying
My dolls coming to life
Getting caught doing something my parents would be made at me about.
going to school, the girl that picked on me


Important people and why
my sister, she is always there for me and acts like a mother in a sense and I appreciate that. She will be there for me always, she protects me and makes me a better person and although I make fun of her and pick at her I really admire her. my grandmother, she is the loving side of my family. she was always getting us the hugs that we needed. She loved me and Pepito the best and it showed. Now he is the favorite I feel. going to her apt in nyc was like going into another word. I felt safe around her too.

Angry
I am angry at dave. he sucks. To this day he makes me feel like crap. he still thinks that it is all my fault that we broke up, “you were always mean to me”….what!??!?! I was mean to you. would you like me to start telling everyone about all the mean things that you did!!!! Come on now. Your mind is so warped, I think you need help. you made me feel like crap everyday of my life. and now I am angry that I stayed with you that long. I am the idiot. you made me lose my friends, you made me lose my self worth. You broke my porcelain dolls, on purpose and still when I think about it I want to cry and beat the crap out of you at the same time. but you will never get it. you will never understand because your mind wont allow you, you are always the victim, in your own mind, but your not I was!!!

Place
my old house it made me safe. I grew up there. I felt happy there, most of the time. I always drive past it. I wonder who lives there now and who they are and what they are doing. how their house is set up. it was a comfort and I no longer have it. since I have left it I have felt lost. more anxiety. sometimes I wish I were back there and that nothing had changed. last night I went to my sisters because it is full of life and family and I miss that. it gives me a sense of happiness to be around them. I don’t want my own but I like to be there. it comforts me too. it makes me feel like a kid, she takes care of me. feeds me looks after me, makes sure I am happy and comfortable. like a mother, everything is so clean and all the sheets smell good. there is food in the fridge, it’s like a home, not just a place to sleep. it has life with children running around. and parents reprimanding.

Family story
They tell everyone how scared I always was a child. They make fun of me. Dave tells me all the time about when I was young and I couldn’t eat in front of him cause I said I couldn’t swallow with him staring at me. They all embarrass me and with things that I do not want anyone to know.